Rose Colored Glasses

I think we all head into IVF thinking it will work for us. We are wow-ed by the success numbers and stories. We are sure that we will be one of them. The hard not-so-nice truth is that you may not be. I may not be. It's an emotional roller coaster aided by horomones that will make you crazy even if you weren't already feeling vulnerable. You become hyper-sensitive to every woman that has a child or has a baby belly showing. You have two very conflicting emotions. You are so happy for them... what a blessing... you know just how much of a blessing that is because that's what you want so badly. On the other hand, you are jealous. Why not me? What have I done wrong?

Your well meaning friends will flood you with all the advice you will ever want to hear. "Just relax" is my favorite. Or the "As soon as you start the adoption process, you'll get pregnant." Really? I mean, I know they mean well, but if that was all it took, there wouldn't be specialists. We would all just go to the spa to "relax" and start filling out paperwork. Sometimes, you will want to just have a breakdown and crawl into a hole. Sometimes, you will want to stand on top of a table in the most crowded restaraunt there is and scream, "just leave me alone." It's weird how when you're fighting infertility, that it's the thing you think about all the time and yet it's the last thing you want to think about... all at the same time. Oh... and did I mention the horomones?

And then there are those thoughts in the back of your mind that plague everyone. What if I just shouldn't have a baby anyways? What if I should just enjoy my life the way it is? Why spend all this money and effort and emotion on something that will change my life. Right now, I can pick up & go to the beach at a moments notice. I can stay out all night without a care. I mean, what if I never have to worry about college funds or my child's safety or the fact that they didn't make curfew. Isn't a childless life a whole lot more worry free?

Now lets talk about getting fat. We all hope that we will end up round with a baby but many of us will just end up round. The horomones do crazy things to your body. You can exercise sometimes but not always. You end up feeling pregnant although you're not so you eat like a horse. And... for us emotional eaters out there... look out. Did I mention the horomones? At one point in your cycle, you will use horomones that tell your body it's pregnant. You'll get the growing breasts & the pregnant tummy pooch. They don't go away as soon as you get the negative test result. Which means you're going to have all the well-meaning people in the world asking when you're due... and you're going to want to bite their heads off. I don't suggest doing that. And heaven forbid you start another cycle right away. After our 3rd back-to-back cycle, I looked 4 months pregnant. Baggie shirts were my friend.

And then there is the marriage. Wow. What a strain. You would like to think (with your pretty rose colored glasses on) that this is going to bring you closer together. It might. Chances are it will not. As you stab yourself in the stomach with horomones for the 75th time trying to miss the bruises that are so attractive & comfortable, you will find yourself a bit bitter. Why shouldn't he have to do this? And he's at a loss as to what he can do except do what he can... As your emotions take yet another roller coaster ride, you find yourself angry, hurt, bitter, hopeful, and focused on something other than your marriage. And you're gaining weight... and did I mention the horomones? It can make the strongest of marriages weak... and it can destroy a weak one. If you don't talk, if you don't listen, if you don't focus on your partner, you're in for even more trouble.

Sometimes all you want to do is forget that this is what is going on. You want life to be fun again & not structured around your next injection or retrieval. You want the spontanaiety of a laugh, of a hand to hold, of a hug, of a long soft kiss... and that's all you want to think about. You want to get out of the house. You want to forget your life & invent a new one. You want to go to the beach, sink your toes in the wet sand & breathe. That sounds like a good idea... I'm off to the beach. Talk to you when I return... if I do...